just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
