Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
