Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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