mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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