her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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