who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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