I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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