Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
