Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
