i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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