I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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