Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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