i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
