I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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