I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
