We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
