my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
you never un-have a 4some
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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