The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize