Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
