Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
