Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
