I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize