I'm going to jail i love you
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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