Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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