best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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