Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
