can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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