I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
