Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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