I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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