i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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