I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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