its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
