oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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