have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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