i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
