How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
