i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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