I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
