Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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