you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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