I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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