..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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