All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
