Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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