I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
