My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize