so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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