I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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