He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
