I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
