My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
