when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
