I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
