He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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