just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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