We're like a lot better than the average bears
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
