Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
