The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
