I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
