How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Randomize
