I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
