I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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